Attachment

I remember posting about attachment on my old blog so I went back looking. It was strange to look back on that blog. Lots of stuff there.

This is post #1 from there. I will post more on this topic over the next week or so.

A4everfamily.org is a website about attachment issues for children who are adopted. I am going to post a variety of posts over the next week or so from their website.

Myth: Babies Bond with Foster Families and Easily "Transfer Attachment" to Their Forever Families

It is naive to say that a baby can simply transfer attachment from one person to another. They need to go through the attachment process, long and difficult for many.

The child has not only experienced the traumatic loss of his birth mother (remember, to him, he and the birth mother were one, so losing his birth mother is akin to experiencing a life and death situation), but he has likely experienced one or more additional placements, all confirming what he learned at birth: the world is not a safe place and he must control it in order to feel safe.

Many attachment professionals explain that the emotional age is set back to zero months when a child is placed with a new family. The child often will go through a grieving process first and will struggle with trusting someone new. Many mothers claim that their baby "attached" in the first days or weeks home. People mistake a child who is scared and clinging to the new caregiver or happy and smiling (in a honeymoon attempt to get along) as "attached". This is not a healthy and secure attachment. The attachment process is different for every child, and it does take a lot of time, nurturing, consistency and a form of parenting that promotes attachment. Love alone is not enough.

Note: Consider, also, that many babies are unable to fully attach to their foster parents. They may have nothing to "transfer." The loss of the birth mother may have been so traumatic as to prevent a good attachment right from the start. Or the child may have been moved so many times as to prevent a healthy attachment with anyone.

Emotional Age - Many attachment professionals agree that the emotional age of a child at placement is set back to zero months. It is important to always consider the emotional age of your child and not the chronological age. Emotionally, your baby needs regression in order to go through the attachment process with his forever mommy and daddy. Baby that baby!

Stay Home - Stick close to home and avoid the revolving door of visitors until the baby has had time to adjust and learn who his parents are. Remember, you are strangers to this baby. He has not been waiting a long time for you. When the time comes to introduce the baby to family and friends, it is best to limit holding to Mother and Father.

Meet Baby's Needs Quickly and Consistently - Allow baby to see you and be held by you as much as she needs to feel safe and comfortable. Respond to all cries immediately while being both calm and loving--no matter what time it is or what you are in the middle of doing.

Use Skin on Skin Contact
Bathe with baby
Carry in arms or in carrier without lots of clothing between Mommy and baby
Routine massages (morning and night) using lotion

Scents - Use the same lotion as baby. One baby brand we like carries a lavender (calming) and vanilla scent.

Bottles - Keep bottles as an attachment tool for as long as possible. Bottles should always be given in mother's arms while encouraging eye contact. Some babies have a hard time with eye contact. In this case, place your rocker in front of a large mirror so she can still see Mommy taking care of her.

Sleep - It is best to sleep while the baby sleeps so that you are alert and available for his waking hours. Co-sleeping is recommended, but expect that it may take some getting used to.

Co-Sleeping - A valuable attachment tool, co-sleeping has helped families continue the bonding process throughout the night.

Use a Baby Carrier - Carry your baby close to you as long and as often as possible